So, like over 8 thousand people read my blog last year and I freaked out and took it down.
That's alot of people reading and looking and I started getting a lot of attention that I didn't feel prepared to wade through. My blog views were going up by the hundreds everyday, and it was mostly centering around the blog I wrote about Terry Berry. I was thankful and fulfilled that a lot of his family and extended family read it. Many of them who I had never met reached out and were so encouraged and comforted to have another story about his life come out so publicly, as the current narrative was just focusing on his growingly successful rap career and his alleged involvement in a set on the south side and his leadership activities within it. Read between the lines, Im not here for it.
I got a call from a notorious website in Chicago that follows these sets and the members and publishes youtube videos about their lives and the music and the violence and keep score like some messed up video game. They asked to interview me about Terry and Poppy. I was so pissed. Like enraged.
Then I started getting emails about putting ads on my blog, to profit from this writing I did. And that was the final straw. I deactivated my blog that day. How do I profit from this tragedy? How could I be comfortable or sit with that? It reminds me of the fundraising tactics of non profits, to share emotional stories they were trusted with, or that they observed first hand, just to raise money. The sensationalism. To profit off the pain and misfortune of someone else. It disgusts me.
I wasn't even comfortable profiting off the pain of my own struggles I had written about (some I published on here, some were in draft form still), let alone someone elses.
Turns out some of my boys (they are all men now) had posted my blog about Terry on some websites. It got shared a lot, and thats part of the huge influx of traffic to my site. I went to delete the links, but didn't because I thought maybe my blog about Terry could have a greater end than my words. That maybe God was gonna do something with it. But as I got more noise from it, I couldn't take it and shut it down.
I think Im here for it now.
Not the attention, because while today has been a year since Terry was killed, the whirling storm of his fame and set has died down a bit and I bet my blog link is lost in the history of those sites.
(ALSO I let my domain name expire in March and someone bought it and then offered to sell it back to me for $700 when I inquired about it. LOL. SO you are now reading darknightsofmygummybearssoul because some jerk is trying to profit. Its an extra S in there even tho my soul is just ONE red gummy bear)
But im here to witness. Im here to poke back at the darkness again. Im here to yell into it from my keyboard. Im here to tell some stories because it helps. Im here to record my memories.
And its just poetic that I finally got this all worked out one year to the day from when Terry died. Terry Berry. Even though I feel like I knew it was coming, I wasn't prepared. I remember a year ago as the calls came in and I felt no shock. None. Just a heaviness, a stone, a deep weight. It was one year ago I yelled in my mind at God as I rocked MJ to sleep. I don't need to rewrite that blog post, it directly follows this one. While Im sure that possibly a day or two HAS gone by where I didn't think about Terry, my heart hasn't really risen back up. Like a balloon that has been bled of some helium, I just feel heavier and lower for this loss. And this disdain for my old streets who are now absent of Poppy and Terry.